Bits left out of notebk.html ??? Well ... so far aint left ANY out ?????? ***** One could argue that some should be left off "public" viewing - and i would have agreed? - then I read that near death article - and we are deluding ourselves if we think ANY thought or deed or desire is actually private! At the spirit level there is no such thing! Powerful piece! Di - oh boy! - a millllion things from exercise book and last 2 weeks!!!! * Tell her Mum's nun story????? - Nana comes and takes her out just before 1st vows! - she was so angry and told everyone how horrible Nana was - and they NEVER talked about it!!! Hmmm !!!!!!!! Grandpa was in Sydney & was never consulted!!!! * Steve at speech night asked if I could see past his head. I said I could see through his head! Dijana - Centre for Human Apologies & "Suicide Training" - she hasn't changed in the week I have been away! "I was starting to get better before i came back here ..." Earlier bits of exercise book- * I really enjoyed sitting on the flower bed and Di stood next to me. We aren't usually that close physically. * Maybe it's no coincidence we are together at this stage of BOTH our journies. She is the FIRST to read a lot of my stuff. I'm not sure if she should feel priveleged or cursed! And looking back! I really debated whether I should show her that initial stuff in 1998 - I thought it would SPIN her right out! * Half whisper? - boy am I flying - put in notebk.html ... BOY!!!!!!!! See 4 pages typed up for Di - near VERY near to resolve to cut it off!! Agonising (for Him!) silent trip in car home from Flinders 8-11-99 & I just was in NO mood fro ANY choitter-chatter ... they must be worried ... "If I take this as far as i want to take it, I will be even further away from what you people call "normality". You are not equipped to handle that - especially the children." & " I wish things could be different but I can't pretend to be something I am not just so you won't worry" I wish these extremes were not necessary. They are only necesaary because people like you have created a world where people like me have to literally go insane to escape the crushing limitations of what you laughingly call "normality" ... And heaps I never recorde - maybe just as well cos I pick up Conversat with God at p.78 & 79 & realise hang on there may be a better way. There WILLLL be a lot of pain before humanity as a WHOLE get onto that sort of thinking and acting! You aren't alone. I suppose the planned letter to parents - a softer gentler version thatn I had planned just 28 hours ago! ... CWG helped turn that thinking around ... boy ... Dianne is a LOT like me - wants BADLY to belive but looks around at the world and doesn't dare wish for "it all" that would be TOO much to hope for in a world where SO many have a raw deal. ******************* Parent's letter **************** - do a separate file ... 9-11-99 .... ****************************************************** Di session was huge huge huge!!!! * I have been down for 2 days but RIGHT BACK! I am very resilient! This would drive most people round the twist! * Enlightenment poem on the way there! Just pops into head * Video! and it is there! she says "Maybe I'm not supposed to see it." Yeah! 13 year old goes off for 15 years in caves to meditate. In this culture it would never happen. Would have loved to see parents faces! and reactions!? He wanted to spend the rest of his days that way but felt compelled to share what he had learned * Dremas of Acacia! and badweekend details and not wishing to appear rude. Plus I would have settled for a LOT less than this. Plus social gatherings and noise level and critical mass. * PLus near death print outs and CWG - will have to lend for Christmas even though she is having only ten days off! * Plus she is in a mini - Dianne mate! you have beautiful legs!!! * New Paradigm - I'm not into pride as an emotion but if it can help or inspire someone! I'm glad. * Of the video - they do radiate that indefinable something. Other worldy! Triggers something in me - often goosebumps! Plus people on different levels and paths and "trivia" and Steve & near-death & his dream is of a world where faith is no more. * Plus "odd behavour" & going off for several hours & FOUGHT OFF THE DARK SIDE VALIANTLY! * Voucher plus book and going in to buy "Planets" and exact price of book! Give me a break! and coincidences! * Plus his background - angry at God and all the same questions - and SOME I hadn't thought of! ... get more details ... * Next Di - Flight Waves CD details & what did she think of near death article and NO PRIVATE thoughts! Hmmm if she knew what I think about when she is in a mini! - VIBRASONICS!! * Plus page 180 Emissary book. * Plus her busy life and she must have chosen it for a good reason (she hinted at story of how she came to be at ERMHA!) Plus I can SEEE why I'd choose this! The MIND I have and the time to absorb! and go WITHIN and no money for "entertainment" or indulgence! or escape! it sure is an eccentric path! But there are 8 possible paths ... * Opening CWG at random - and how each book seems to lead to the next ... * Plus Tibet video & these books seem to trigger something in me - usually goosebumps! * Plus N Paradigm & how most psychiatrists don't see it that way! - poem about psychosis & sacred person!! * Flight Wave claims and a year ago i'd have said "Oh, give me a break!!!! Some people will believe ANYTHING!" * Plus Dijana & I sutograph her copy of ideal day program. Then I said i have exhausted her role in that story - then I add to it! see new.htm! for 9-11-99 !! .. Then "run into" Dijana at shopping! This is getting toooo much - just when I had Hiroshima & NDE of kids! Then! she rings about Friday and votes & long long phone convo! about the book and its implications & her husband would only kill if someone really bugged him! and an absolute heap! - she "ruins" the book by asking if Katie could be tapping into the "universal subconscious" ... throws me! I was getting right into it! Then our usual topics - esp ... into new.htm journal?? Was she married to her present husband in a previous life? I said she could have been male. I shoulda said she was probably married to me! ... Ideal day Program - when you can say to your SEXY support worker, "I am feeling a bit down. Making sweet love with you would really raise my SPIRITS." Mum has been talking to Joshua and (weell, there are no coincidences!) his PET topic is reincarnation! He was impressed by her questions - some from me or about me!- schizo & meditation - self-hypnosis versus meditation where he says almost exactly what i did! self-hypnosis is for specific self improvemnet like quit smoking whereeas the aim of meditation is to expand your awareness and contact the soul. Already she is letting go FAR more than she EVER thought she could! Timely! with Pete & Me! & Steve! ... and realises this is the tip of the iceberg and does not want to leave it there - Sat evening workshops and I might join ... ah her other questions were about reincarnation oh plus (Yeah consider the 4 men closest to her! Dad, Pete, Me, Steve! all drive her nuts in diifferent ways!) Brings up what do i meditate on - see Journal 13-11-99 ... Joshua & Flinders - * Living Now - esp "Temporary Insanity" * Poems - Karma - Natural High - Vision - detachment - etc ... * Meditations & Journal entries from website for 13-11-99 - yeah ... mate you have 5 tons of reading material! NOT to mention the tapes and CWG which you could study & absorb for a lifetime!!! Emailed the 3 Victorian study groups .... * Mate - you have nothing to prove and he may be huge help * Somedays are sublime - my focus is effortless and never drifts & I find everything to be a source of inspiration & wonder & revelation & connection. Other days, it drifts or I feel disconnected and uninspired or I allow myself to get distracted. But this is VERY early days! * More in Journal around "November 14 & 15" * I think a lot of cases of "schizophrenia" are misdiagnosed but that's OK. Once you stop evaluating yourself in worldly terms, such cionsiderations are of no real significance. * Janet Hawley is author of schizo article. Illustrator is Michael McGurk. * Long discussions on steve as atheist who wants to wipe all this nonsense off the planet. Plus Webbes and their kids ... I said maybe somehing will happen to cause them to reconsider - i mean look at me!!!! * THEN again! we rejected our spiritual upbringing! - too rigid and emphasises Hell rather than love and you're going to Hell JUST by thinking about sinning ... * Mum asked if the babies were switched! Was I supposed to have been born in Tibet or somewhere like that! Well many times latley I wouldn't choose anyhting else... * Have I considered alternative treatments? Acupuncture - I said past life regression - Di has done it and hinted at weird results? * Plus "I've always known western culture is a crazy way to live." * A few days later .... Some interesting stuff on 2nd side of tape dated "13-11-99" ... flow ... vocals ... sounds like I am channeling aliens ... "I've always been quiet ... like a Tibetan Monk." Dijana cracks up over the Kookaburras and the limerick! ... and is blown away by book report on Hiroshima & what it says about reincarnation & war etc plus her husband is being punished for the sins of a previous life ... plus SBS has special on cults ... and Waco - telemovie ... Oh plus Dijana & I discuss Paul Davies book & quantum physics & photons & uncertainty principle ... plus waht is his view of "God" ... plus UFO & likelihood of visits ... plus limits of our knowledge ... plus how it all flows of top of his head - I'd be saying "well ... um ... you could look at it this way ..." Printed CWG reviews & kids meditation drawings & Thea poems for next week ... so a busy day ... the 1st of 4 in a row! ... the very next day being Bromham place - see cat notebk - NOT all my notes or their info got into the report for Newsletter ... their brochures & Newsletter & it was a case of you don't know what you're missing till you see what someone else has got! Huge day with john Bingham when I have to rush to get Newsletter stuff printed as next week is Jury?? Again Paul davies features - theory of everything - the universe is a thought - but who is thinking it? - see journal 18-11-99 ... "You've been thinking again haven't you David? We've warned you about that!" ... plus Mark & plenty of jokes ... esp me being on a jury with my concept of reality ... Then huge Di - she loved video! - and Bromham Place - and OPENING CWG AT RANDOM WORKED! - give her Tibetan book of dead? - mate ... she said she has been struggling - well! - * I never ever expected to be in this place! The VIEW is amazing and this is only the first step! Yet, if I try to analsye it or "explain it, I find it makes no "sense" yet it is real! * I feel she MUST be close! She is where I was for SO long! How can this make any sense! How can anyone claim it makes any sense! Look where I have come from! * She says she has been struggling - if you HOLD onto nothing else, hold onto the fact I have reached this place form as FAR AWAY as any human being could ever be! I still have to PINCH myself to believe I'm here! And if pressed, I cannot "explain" it in the ususal sense! * *** I NEVER THOUGHT THOSE WORDS COULD EVER COME OUT OF MY MOUTH! ***** * When I was an atheist, people would say yes, in the face of ALL THAT I still believe! I used to think they were absolutely insane! * No worldly goals - BUT in the past I had no spiritual ones as well! That is a bad place to be! In fact the worst place anyone can be! * No time for all this - there is SO much to it, I can see why the monks train for years under expert guidance! I have only scratched the surface ... There is HELP all around once you open up to it. That is what Chopra & others are doing - helping the souls that are awakening ... and they ALL say this is the toughest stage the early phase of the awakening and looking for guidance ... Plus David Buddha ... plus Peter T reads "Just another Conversation" and says I must have written it - the part that says "enlightened beings generally have a boundless sense of humour" ... so an interesting day!! Plus Mark! and mate, when I was first inside there were NO PROGRAMS like this! it was sink or swim on your own! That means you build up enormous inner strength! But it's been a LONG journey to where I am at now! Plus John & my humour is never at anyone's expense. Plus I did 2/3 of a BSc degree - what happened? - i started having MAJOR psychotic episodes ... Plus for the meetings, I suggest red & yellow cards as in soccer! Plus how the Paul Davies book is one line of Philip Adams then 2 pages of Paul Davies ... Plus Jo & "There's nothing wrong with me. It's everyone else that is out of step." More spontaneous flowing vocals on side 2 of 13-11-99 tape .... Continues next day with Me, Thao, Dijana, Desmond doing Mum's Shiva meditation. Talk about cultural diversity in that little group! ... Got us onto Living Now articles - pyramid and naked - well in a perfect world we could - it would make it hard to concentrate with Di! ... Planned (the eternal ERMHA question!) - how to get more people along to the group - * Masage oils! * Invite Dalai Lama * cushions * premises * visit shops/libraries/retreats etc * ** Check out Brahma myself! At end, in rear mirro of car - is it JUST my mood or hers? - oooh the lips (no lippy!) and the eyes - mate ... well I am only human ... Peter & his comments on New Age (a lot of which aint "new" at all) - (virtually equating it with the occult!) * You might want to think about what you say before you insult someone else's belief system. * Do unto others - would you really like someone to insult your belief system? * You can disagree with something without insulting it * etc ... * You might want to think about what you say before you go insulting someone's entire belief system. Plus Des and he says unmarried people who are spiritual live longest - well I should be around a long time! Paul davies tape - * Leave for John if I am in jury * LISTEN yourself! * Play at Newsletter etc - or Gibran, Chopra, etc etc .... "Dearly beloved" for Newsletter group - some jokes ! Ezekiel - an all .... Brueghel? (pronounced "broigle") plus Corregio & cathedrals ... Next Di - well she is so blown away she rings the day before! - * It is NOT a permanent experience just yet - when it is I will be unbearable! Literally! Because a secular & materialistic focus doesn't seem to have TOO many people jumping out of their skin & pulsatiing with spontaneous spiritual ecstasy .... * (On tape - hey Dianne, I'm feeling a bit crazy. Can you book me a week in Acacia ward. Thanks mate." - just when I feel it is fading it RUSHES back!) * I suppose if I were in that place ALL the time I'd be unbearable (the place I was in when I wrote those 5 pages ... * The one DOWN side is that once you know this place exists and experience it first hand, you want to be there all the time! all other considerations vanish ... am I becoming a bliss junkie? * And in a very real sense this place does not "exist" - you create it. * Like I wrote in the poem- I have to decide if I want this BADLY enough - and I do - for EVERYONE! She rings! - - She is also blown away y the book and the 5 pages - Wants to get a few more copies for christmas presents! - Told her of Melbourne study groups - What if we ALL stop one day! - What will it be like when we are all clued in and switched on! Magic! - I have to keep pinching myself to believe I am her! I am literally incapable of a bad thought! - Reality isn't something "out there" that happens to us - we create it! - And we can have any kind of world we want if we agree !! - Just to absorb all that let alone Books 2 & 3 (and the meditations etc) - I used to think these people were CRAZY and I could NEVER be like them at all! - He came from the same angry place as Di & me! - Plus how I came to buy the book and thus expose her to it ... - I keep pinching myself and "when will this end" - GOOOSEBUMPS & some days I see God in everything" ... - **** CONSiDER groups? cos I feel great after her phone call and sharing this ... GESTALT - Still TRCIKY? Because i have been where the skeptics & cynics are - I would have LAUGHED in your face! (while secretly being VERY jealous!) [ALL this on day of astonishing cricket! - highest ever run chase in Australia! highest ever lefties partnership! In the end they cruise in! How can you win a Test after being 1/191 chasing 222 then lose 9/55 versus a spinner on a flat pitch - and everyone says just imagine what he is going to do in the second innings (1 for 140!) So very deflated after looking for 200 run lead only lead by 24! then Pakis get near 400 including annoying last wicket. Then we are 5/126 as Ponting makes his 3rd duck in a row - fifteen balls in the series for no runs and he may not be dropped now! ... 238 partnership by Gilchrist (irony!!!!) superb timing ... JUST when VCR on the blink! - today I put $65 onto a second hand diamond head VCR - mainly due to jury ... it's all happening .. ] (What about the guy who wants to abolish competitive sports!) Been VERY slack?? - now Dec 5 ... Heaps in 1-12-99.zip - send it to website too .... Phineas Gage & lobotomies ... wars ... collective karma ... posture & health ...runner's high ... talking to people "at random" .... the usual stuff ... Fun with red-blue-yellow towers ... Huge HUGE Di- * If you are FLYING and they aren't .. you do become unreal ... healing presence ?? ...plus respect their journey even if it is painful - LOOK where my pain has led me ... * Without faith THERE IS NO REAL COMFORT! * It IS hard to look at some situations and NOT ask "How is that choice?" * Mum & CWG - is she ready ?? The WORST they can say is that I am MAD and that's OK ... Then Dijana & question to Emissary! "What is real" - um, THAT is some question Dijana!!! PLus "I'm leaving this dimension on Wednesday - she asks if I can take her too! I ask what about daughter - she can come too - hubby!? He needs the SHOCK!!?? (I had said he's not ready ...) Yeah - that Melchezidek article on 4th dimension sparked heaps ... "Let go of your attachment" ... Just when you think you've asked every question ... plus kids and asking "why" ... She said she know a LOT of people who are VERY attached to their concrete 3-D world ... it is up to us to inspire and liberate them ... "That was my agenda - I thought Dijana is close to the edge, let's tip her over" ... Dijana loved CWG review & quote & section about the ants ... plus finding files based on date of creation plus how to use Template & file names ... "What would you do if i wasn't here?" ... GOOD question! ... Plus "There's NO shortcuts! You'll have to read the book!" Then Dave! & he loved new poems - esp one designed to bend your mind back ... then SESSIONAL!!! Huge irony!! now seems no need for my sheet! because budget is shot! no Thea or S'hi etc!!!! God! now dec 15 and middle of huge weeek - huge couple of weks actually ... * Cat notebk finished! Other exercise bk still going * a billllion HTM and other printouts .... * HEAPS sparked by Bakewell, Mahjong, ERMHA, Dave, Bendigo, Claude, Di, Dijana .... John ... Anyways - seems a LONG time ago and some went into HTM on website .... ROSE is a classic! - giggles and very bold but so sweet! - I drew hearts on her hand and she scribbles on mine "I love my Geoff. Hug, hug, kiss, kiss" plus KARLY LOVES ROSE AND BLOWS HER A KISS EVERY MORNING AND EVERY NIGHT ... plus "I love to take a nice red rose and stick it right up my sister's nose." ... Last Di of millennium? - (I forget to take sheet!!) * Ask about premises * Did she read the last few pages I gave her * Dave's Memo & sessional work? * Yin Yang balls for Steve * CWG tape?? * Dreams and wake from dead! * FLYING when I wrote "Therapy" etc * PSR & tricky - those hard hit or medicated won't get a LOT out of it - those recovered sufficiently "should" be moving on ... * Oh yeah - yesterday - Ron & discussing Mum's attitude to Jill - he asks how can you go from liking someone one day to hating them the next. I said human beings are very FUNNY creautures ... Fabulous Dijana session - meditation balls leads to Queeg & Bogart & bring to consumer meetings! & Triffids - from discussing Z for Zachariah & 1984 - I offer it to her for Christmas ... plus story of reading it and hallucinating ... plus royalties & reincarnation (from John Wyndham) ... Dave points at me! did NOT like "delayed llama" !! - Dijana says he loves the Dalai Lama - so do I! but he has a sense of humour! ... "I was thinking of taking a break from ERMHA anyway!" ... "It appealed to my quirky sense of humour" Dijana & Bernard & "you have a thing going there"! - if he wants to meet we are in trouble ... she loved hs reply about peace & spirit! ... plus the Kindness meditation & New Civilisation poems ... plus co-minute takers? or summarise each item? it is a SKILL and it is hard to concentrate and work out what needs to go into the minutes ... Plus Caine mutiny & plot & court case & "Hey! This IS relaxing!" "I think Phil is having TOO good a time" Plus Freudian slip - but they say there is no such thing as an accident ... "I can see where you're coming from ... and where you're going ... " ... will I like it Plus ERMHA'S money in the bank and what ARE they waiting for? ... plus liked angel pen ... "One day I'll do a full set of instructions on how to use the Templates & numbering etc ... Plus HOW to describe Geoff's problem - he can't stop playing with his balls ... plus banana in one hand and Dijana suggests a caption - "Have you ever seen anyone more content?" Dave sees Rob behind me and I say "He's trying to see the world through my eyes ... Plus Seinfeld & george & "It's NOT a lie if you believe it" ... Di - asked if I'd sing carols! liked my voice on Strawberry Fields! - oops never offered CWG tape! ... plus CWG and my "ideal self" I still have a way to go - see HTM - radiate palpable energy of pure, unconditional love ... Plus mum & hatred of Jill - I've been there! PART of you knows it is destructive BUT you still do it! Plus "I hate being needy" ... Plus wher to in 2000 ??? & transfer to day program ?? Plus Dad's definition of eternity with fly & metal ball !! ***** THE CLASSIC ACACIA ACTIVITY! - TOSS AND SPIN THE MEDITATION BALLS!!! ************ *** Di - BE HONEST - WHER TO IN 2000 IS A BIG QUESTION AND SO FAR I DRAW A TOTAL BLANK!! ***** - especially as the old ANXIETY & DISTANT & UNCOMMUNICATATIVE periods are far from over!!! FLAT day - well humid weather - I record Flight Waves finally onto tape - I look at the sheets and think IS THERE A LOT OF POINT? if I am still vague & unclear! Yet - as you always say YOU-NEVER-CAN-TELL ~! Within a couple of hours I'm back flying after reading Elohim article & release all expectations - spontaneous CHANTING a LOT like the HARMONIC singing meditation at that MIND-BODY-SPIRIT ... Then interesting day! - Sinesios of Cirene - 600 years ago! - dream the same dream! - Lent 1984 & Zacariah off web - and Dijana said she had pictured the girl diffrently and plot interests me! - young girl, older man and no outside authority or scrutiny! - plus pages 1-7 of reincarnation & the self - page 8 is the one about souls and several realities plus dave & red.com ... Plus Phil's Lament plus "A friend" from Wimmera Horizons Newsletter ... Bendigo trip - took Python & Davies - could have taken Chopra or Shiva or Tibetan Monks or Twyman or ME channeling! or Red Dwarf or Overtone or ... tokk cat notebk & poems & some SPIRITWEB & New Paradigm & ERMHA Murmur ... Boy! what a trip! - ask Dijana! "Have you ever spent 10 consecutive hours with Dave! It is an experience!" ... Drew & Neil & Claude & bookshop & driving & Dave's jokes ... Emma Pierce book! ... and yeah! took NOT one note until i got home! - sister relationship with the bendigo program? - exchange staff? & clients! ... Drew SHCOKED at how much money ERMHA has in the bank NOT going into programs ... Plus ghost/spirit stories plus "why believe" - I almost grabbed it - Cosmic mystery & good chapter on wrestling with the question of evil & freedom & people who "want to believe but can't" ... Plus jokes about 3 rabbits! plus I was thinking it was a LONG journey to a fairly weak punchline! Plus "I've got Paul Davies talking to Phillip Adams in my bag" ... ** Leave folder as is - 10 Indian - Meek - Law of Life - Ricketts poem - Tibetan Book of the dead - New Paradigm - Millennial Murmur - 18 pages of my poems & Elohim & Metta etc - (a bit more added?) - Horoscope - and in the end! it travelled all the way to Bendigo and back! and stayed in the rucksack! ... oh well ... STENCIL IDEA for new premises - for poems, quotes, etc Plus reading that reincarnation & self article - realise we have just scratched the surface! SO!! With 3 months till next Newsletter - already a HEAP of material from bendigo trip! and Pierce book! Hmm ... Sessional - $28 per hour - Dave says they only employ the best - Thea - S'hi - artists ... HOW do I fit into that category!!! OK, I have a LOT of expertise and knowledge of PC & Word & Publisher & Internet BUT in terms of running a group and engaging all potential clients I have ZERO!! "I am an optimist. I feel (not believe) there is a deeper reality behind everything we see. So, even though the world appears to be in a real mess, there is some deeper meaning to it all even if we haven't collectively clued into what that meaning is yet." - I am tempted to say sure! THAT is the same day you make love with Dianne or sing in public or perform a poem well... as Emma says, if you VISUALISE IT you can make it happen BIT-BY-BIT ... you have a phenomenal IMAGINATION ... even if progress is erratic or slow ... That's to page 4 rear of cat book ... Yeah - that ERMHA folder reminds me of HOW much i have written and read and discovered & shared THIS year! - Chinese Horoscopes - Herbal tea - a million poems - for Thea - THEMS stuff - The Madman - Big Rocks - FONTS - Short Stories - Book reviews - Brianna's poems - Acacia stuff! - Gilbert's - stories of extreme UPS & downs! of 1999! - How to use Templates - Notes SPARKED by ERMHA sessions, trips, staff! - Consumer reps criteria - - and my response! - Issues/Planning for my "sessional" - Lindsay & Primordial - Other Interent stuff! boy! Yeah - reading "Ascension Of Planetary Consciousness" & "The Madman" - both of which I have had a while! - yeah! tingles! THEY do spark something!! The night before Bakewell!! Dave would love The Madman - Dijana too? Um, is that before or after showing her Emma Pierce, latest poems, a million other HTM files on Light Party, SPIRITWEB, Ascended Masters etc etc ... Then Ron & his reaction to "Running from Safety" & Metta & Kindness meditation - and cynical about thoughts creating reality& experience ... At party - Mum defends Buddhism & then I point out it talks about compassion toward ALL beings! She said she is not yet ready to extend that to Jil. Plus Tutu & forgiveness - THAT is the big test! to do it after REAL pain! ... Plus reincarnaton & once you have lived enough of the SPECTRUM you have compassion for all circumstances ... More Ron - HE will be the first person she will send out kind thoughts to! Yeah! Steve & Ron & Web & Pete! What IS going on! ... Denise liked the summary on the sleeve of book. ... "Ron, it's cynical people like you who are holding the world back!" "I'm just waiting patiently for the day when everyone can see what I see ... and they LET GO of anger, expectations, judgements, blame etc ... At end of LONG, stressed day ... I am FLYING! on my own but STILL!! ... Yeah! (under shower) - if ANYONE should be cynical or have an "attitude" it is me! Think about it! I have this thing called "schizophrenia" which nobody really nderstands and nobody really knows what to do about it and it cuts you off from most of the things people take for granted ... YET I am not AT ALL cynical (I was!) - THAT should tell you SOMETHING! (IF I ever write the book!) ... Heaps more under shower ... One theory is that you learn (or progress) the MOST under the most ADVERSE circumstances and believe me! Schizo at its worst is the most extreme adverse circumstanxces you can imagine! In FACT! if you have not experienced it you could not begin to imagine what it is really like at its WORST! To Di? - THAT would almost justify going "crazy" - to give those around me something which they cannot rationally understand or relate to ?? ... which TOTALLY fucks with their picture of reality and "what is possible or realistic" ... And yet Geoff! THEY have chosen (presumably for an equally good reason as you chose your path!) to experience being narrow-minded skeptics ... "Why am I tired? It's hard work being crazy!" Plus Olly & my veins and other stuff ... plus more for "Fragments" etc "We all have our little idiosyncrasies, Dave. Some of us are just more blessed than others." "Anyone can be normal. It takes REAL imagination to be crazy." Dijana & Dice Man & John & Matter Myth plus carry "baby" (spuds) plus ceramics plus driving & "you're clear" ... "Ask Dave to tell you his joke about the 3 rabbits" ... plus channeling & multiple personalities & body as a vessel for countless consciousnesses ... plus faith and not worrying ... plus "having a bad day" and self-fulfilling prophecy & mind-set ... Final Di of the Millennium (apart from her client party & ERMHA party & carols) - * I was honest about dark & distant side coming back breifly but i fought it off. * But I have DRIFTED a fair distance form that MAGIC place - it could become as addictive and all-consuming as my psychotic ecstasy!!?? * Take 2 weeks off ERMHA and see what happens * Ricketts book & Christ consciousness * Showed Emma Pierce & offered for Christmas * Plus continued to promise a "channeling" tape that would blow her mind! * She photocopies AOTPC & The Madman! * Grandpa dream!! & Mum & Buddhism & Compassion & Jill! * 10 hours of Dave and he just never stops! but his stories/experiences are fascinating! Then Dijan & heaps! - Dave's xmas card! - "myriad joys" & "all your devoted fans" & "we've broken the budget" & "May the FORCE be with you" & "all beings in all dimensions" & Plus ceramics & I could teach people - showed dice & coil pot ... Later, John Bingham and he finds Peter T a bit much. I said you can listen to his views and not agree with them. John says I never harras him! ... "I used to be an agnostic but I got better. God started talking to me so i had to decide if I was crazy or whether he really was talking to me. PLUS "Heaven is a stae-of-mind" (which can be reached ON this earth without dying or being "rescued" by aliens Plus heaps more ... Pokemon at market ... and her I was half contemplating (well a LOT more than HALF!) making a sudden and complete break! Hmmm ... [So, Di has some interesting reading over the break! - CWG & Emma & catching up with my file and the stuff I have given her. Plus AOTPC & The Madman! plus possibly a tape of "Geoff channeling a variety of psychotic entities form higher dimensions of reality" ...] Plus she enjoyed "The Plodder" cartooon from The Age 11-12-99 Yeah, AOTPC is only 10 pages (of 40! in PDF file!) but the ideas and images! and possibilities and the WAY it is conveyed ... especially "being attached to ANY goal" !! even the goal of planetary ascension ... Same day! Bernard replies at length to "Dijana" plus poem comment to "Shy Guy" from Kristie ... So I write back and say that I find it an endearing quality ... Oh yeah - regards John & Peter - I said "You don't have to buy what he says. You can just listen to it. (Then say what a load of crap under your breath) "I feel like vegetating - the ERMHA vegetation group - Dijana says no need to interact. I said you are assuming that if there are no words there is no communication. You can often convey a LOT more with ONE glance than with a whole bunch of words ... Chadstone trip - Dragon & Turtle - seee HTM **** "You could argue I'd be a HELL of a lot worse if I hadn't taken this route." There is NO way to be sure. "It's just an act, Dave. I'm really very depressed & miserable." 2000 & Leonard - * Network is 2:03 into video #new 11 * DO lists of others! - Davies, Tibet, SBS, Movies, ccomedy?, Reality on Rocks .... * Hmmm! The interesting days just keep on coming! The day before ERMHA xmas party - * Newsletter break up - dashed to coffee shop in rain - * Ricky Martin - would I really want women falling all over me? ... It's all been an act! I'm really very SHALLOW AND MATERIALISTIC. I just don't have any money! * Phil says "Geoff! Don't jump! You can't fly!" - You never know what you can do til you try! * Plus Dave's card - I WISH YOU ALL THE JOY, PEACE & WISDOM TO DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO. LOVE FROM DALAI LAMA! - he loved the card ... * Plus I notice it is Chris birthday - we do him a card ... * Plus Phil's cards to me & Dave & Dijana! Hallmark software would be great! - "from one human being to another" & "I bet santa puts you on his nice list" etc ... plus humour plus would look great on GLOSSY!! * Then BOY!!!! Steve!!!!! will shake things up a bit! - ANYONE who gets upset at little old me! is on the edge! ... **** Dave points out we have to have a space which is "safe for everyone" - lovely in theory but you need the wisdom of Solomon to carry out that balancing act! * "Some people I don't know how to handle" * Okay, I was slightly abrupt but he went WAY OVER THE TOP!!! Then he speaks of fact he can't stand Martin and speaks of stabbing eyes out and blowing people's brains out! Um! this could be a problem - he will freak a lot of clients out! And! Di is his support! Hmmmmmmm * Yet! Part of me recalls "Madman" and sees it as a challenge but when it is in my face I still TEND to freeeze up! * The TIMING was UNBELIEVABLE! My very first session back as minute taker and RIGHT in the middle of a period where I had to concentrate! Oh well ... * The OLD me would rip into him and say "Mate, if a WHOLE bunch of people can't get along with you, did you ever think it might be YOU and not them!" (plus he's into Zen? based on the flower he drew) - "Steve, Zen is about NOT taking it personally! You are A MILLION MILES away from Zen mind! (as am I, if I react as I did! * Phil shared Acacia room with him! Makes you think! * Yes, if he OVER-REACTS like that, most clients will avoid him like the plague for fear of TRIGGERING a similar explosion! I would hate to see what he'd do under GENUINE PROVOCATION!!!! * Plus minutes!!!!! Jan 2000 will be packed! art project & S'hi & VMIAC ETC ... * JUST when I was considering a break - even talk of "income generation" - then again at the risk of sounding a bit cynical, there was mention of Internet & sessional work!!! * YET!! In a very REAL sense, I have been where Steve is! "It's everyone else, not ME!" and while you are there, it doesn't really matter how much people do for you it makes no difference! * It is a very DARK place and I have spent a LOT of time there!!!! * "I understand where he is COMING from - it's very hard to be nice when your life is a MESS." * Mixed Metaphor of the month - "Sometimes I get in over my head and I feel like a fish out of water." I did! Then "Fool on the Hill" on Video - use that as my alias! Di card! - "Thanks for sharing my journey this year. it has been a remarkable year in many respects. I feel more +ve & optimistic than I would have dreamed posssible a year ago. I'm glad if some of this has rubbed off onto you. Have a good break over the New Year and I look forward to whatever unfolds in 2000. May the coming year bring you all the joy, peace & wisdowm (hey THAT phrase sounds familiar!) to do what you need to do. Geoff" [From a few days ago - Dijana's photo fails utterly to capture her tre spirit - some people never photograph well. Yet my niece - it is IMPOSSSIBLE to take a bad photo of her - Dijana's daughter is the same - she promised to bring in photos...] Yeah! for someone considering a BREAK from ermha - loook at current pocket sheets! - * Di list - heaps & growing - now Steve!!! & art project! lend Emma & "channeling" tapes * GWBASIC & jOHN * Xmas shop * AL Webber * Metta * reorganise PC files & minutes! HUGE task! * Templates * Fragments * Pokemon & market * Ceramics * Reject Balls * PRINT - boy! - SPIRITWEB - Tesla - Dalai - Furby - Light Party - Wisdom - Karma - Gifs - Walk In - - Big Bang - Alex Grey - Bridge - Frog in a blender - minutes etc etc ... * Leunig * Glossy * Card for day team * S'hi letter * Photocopy Ricketts * Tape 4 Di - label via PC as "Geoff channeling a variety of psychotic entities from higher dimensions of reality" * * Gutters - Leaks - roof - * Far Side diary or calendar * Second copy of CWG for Mum Then ERMHA christmas - offer to make Di a stir-fry that would set her mouth on fire - John - heaps - Bible and "Do unto others" (then run!) (before they do unto you) - John and his pig hunting days - they could have been your relatives - heaps - his role in life is to educate the residents of Aberdeen Lodge about science & Paul Davies & cosmology - (or harrass) - Come in and meet Satan (his dog) - plus I love Paul Davies stand up comedy routine - heaps in first 15 mins & no pen - educate yourself from books - if read the right stuff - like my Dad - he said "before I got lost" - I said we're all lost - Lost in time - and space - sounds like a good name for a TV series - good thinking 99 - Then at Netball Centre - Wayne & I can make him laugh with one glance - "It is just one of my super powers" - Dave loves the Plodder cartoon - we get caught up in all this activity and I used to panic if I had nothing to focus on or do. Now I am the opposite - Plus Dalai Lama Book of Wisdom - grow vegies - new premises - - foods that energise versus foods that weigh you down - HARDLY SPOKE to Di at all! - plus prospects for 2000 Plus Phillip Adams is a curious atheist - one day he'll see the light and he'll say "Turn that bloody light off! I was sleeping." Oh plus how children are curious but a LOT of adults lose it ... I love John - he's a brother ... Plus ... "I thought I was just dreaming. Then again if this was a dream I would have filled it with more interesting people ... dont let Paul Davies turn you into a skeptic (she's reading God & the New Physics) ... everything's evolving (at different rates) ... conversation is a very nefficient means of communication in itself - I'm working on a subliminal telepathic level ... "You're not crazy Wayne - it's everyone else." Fragments - "Lifetime. Lifetime. Iam the lifetime of the world." & "THis is eternity. This is Heaven .... Plus the load on ME - I have 9 years of slowly acquired PC skills and I can't TRANSMIT them INSTANTLY - I am working on a Vulcan mind-meld ... (No Dawn or Peter or Mark or Chris or Gilbert or ... Bedazzled - lyrics of "anti" love song! - plus plot and script - something else for 2000 ERMHA ... Yet!!!!! By THAT night we are back to "Let's take a break from ERMHA" and welll .... by next mroning DARK side is in FULL swing! - visualising SMASHING Flinders up and telling people I am sick of fitting in with their BULLSHIT. They are the problem NOT me! BOY!!! As if CWG & HTM & ERMHA etc never happened! scary! Yet I snap out of it fairly rapidly! after idea for AAA & John & Chess plus toys at market plus plan to go to Di's get together after all! You are a lunatic! Yo-Yo's are no NEW phenomenon but this was a shock! ... plus cheap furby & Pooh & Blopens etc ... and yin/yang medallion Plus switch back to doing Di card & one for Dijana! boy! Yet, when it hits it is all TOTAL BULLSHIT! Then go looking for "tar" for gutter support - and I see PAINT unopened from Dec 97!!! ... for weather boards! And rust NOT too bad but needs attention - Hmmm MAYBE I have good reason to take a break!! Then page 124 of CWG ... hmmm ... Yeah - Dijana card! - I have enjoyed your company this year. Thanks for helping make 1999 a memorable & inspiring year for me. I hope 2000 is a good one for you & your family - Don't change. The world needs more people like you. ... will I NOT do one for "day team" ?? Then Web & Furby - dictionary & pics & sounds & the women who love that cute stuff ... PLUS Dalai! heaps I could give dave & Dijana ... do Phil a card with Furbies - "all your friends at ERMHA" ... Then unbelievable!!! I print "Happiness, Karma & the Mind" and it has the passage Dave was talking about yesterday! Higher Conduct, Higher Meditation, Higher Wisdom!!! and disciplining the mind! AS ALWAYS! I am back to FULL steam! - More cards? - Jo - keep on writing, painting & creating Des? Mark? ... HTM & Books & sites & videos - MATE! That is the purposse of all religious practice & meditation etc! To keep your eye on the BIG picture! I only lose it when I focus on the smaller picture & identify myself as this body & this personality and other people according to their current circumstances which are ephemeral and ever changing ... ROOF - fun with "blob" of OLD Killrust ... Yeah, Dalai - 2 excellent articles! - one mentioned above and the other on "China, hatred & optimism" - yeah! that is the TRUE test! To cultivate tolerance & compassion in the face of Then Di lunch - a bit distant & awkward & croaky but okay - Des pays for us!!!! So Phil & I buy him a gift of elephants in a circle as incense holders ... SPARKS more about chit-chat - it DOES tend to FOCUS on the ephemeral events and a limited or negative view of who we are ... I have MU+CH COMPASSSION for where they are at ... Ive been there! it is NOT much fun! Your experiences ARE governed by what you FOCUS on! ... And if THAT is what social chit-chat generally consists of then I do NOT want to be god at it! - I really do wish i could reach inside them and turn the LIGHTS on! But then my OWN lights are on and off at this stage ... So, I may be a bit stranded for a while - I do NOT wish to focus on the ephemeral or the small ideas of who we are and the way things are ... I AM NOT A MASTER YET BY A LONG WAY! ... and yet ... in a sense ... Plus Blue Mountain calendar inspirational - Sandra gave to Di ... YET! beforehand Dijana! Had not planned to see her until giving card tomorrow - Paul Davies has got her asking those seeemingly IMPOSSSIBLE questions! She is at the stage of WHY! Why so much suffering and unfairness and sad stories (she didn't go into details! but i gathered she had heard someone's tale of woe!) ... and how DO you explain evil! it is an old question, Dijana! She neeeds CWG! Makes me rethink the card contents! "Dont change" & "Keep doing what you're doing" etc ... THEN agian! I really do believe the world needs a LOT more people like her! ... I told her, yes, I used to see it the same way - HOW CAN IT POSSIBLY MAKE SENSE!!!! Mate you were there for a VERY LONG time! On first glance it IS monstrously unfair and cannot possibly be reconciled with any idea of a "loving" God ... and I stilll cannot explain how I got from there to here! Plus Karly & stickers & Nexus & Psychiatry & mini-skateboard ... Plus I reread photocopy of p.250 of Twyman! mate! that is THE purpose of all these books and printouts - TO REMIND YOU OF A DIFFERENT WAY! OF SEEING AND BEEEING ... and that something very REAL is happening!! Next Di (in new Millennium!) - * Photos of nieces etc * Art project * Steve & issues - details * BRIEF dark side 18-12-99 * Did she get "Vision of Awakening" off Dijana * Emma Pierce * Nexus * Dalai * Now! Monroe & Gawler & other library books ... reviews ... * Switched BACK to just one card for the day team - "It hasn't always been smooth sailing" precedes "journey of a thousand miles" ... mixed metaphor ... plus If the dalai lama was Irish ... (and believed in god) Yet I also do a Pub 98 card for Dijana with Furby & Rickett & poem ... (Plus Phil and the furbys can be the ERMHA board!) Fabulous session to end ERMHA for this millennium - John & Dijana & Robert ... printed HOW many cards! Plus "Vision of Awakening" plus Plus John & science & religion & knowledge & wisdom & he is A BIT TOO open at times - about sex and seeing himself as a failure etc .. but I love him - he's my brother! - You keep me amused John, so your life is not a complete failure! plus learning someone's sense of humour ... Plus I always TRY to ee the GOOD side of people and situations - but I will admit I WASN'T ALWAYS AN OPTIMIST! Plus miracles - it depends - I see the entire universe and life itself as a miracle - plus superball ... plus "You know I'm only kidding, John - i reckon you're perfect just the way you are." **** Should have done Johnnie a card!! ********** You still can mate! Plus "I get on well with nearly everyone, John." Dijana loved the meek poem! Plus loved "Vision of Awakening" - hopefully she'll remember to drop it into Di ... I should do a Rea tape - or lyrics off web!!! Then it's OVER (for this millennium - unless I go to carols or Pavlova) ... THIS could be a long 2 or 3 weeks!!! - In session THAT very night - Rea lyrics - 170 songs!!! - Review of davies & 5th Miracle! - Light Party Founder is ... get this!!! "Da Vid" - GIVE ME A BREAK!!! - more of people's experiences off Emissary Notice Board! - Visionary artists! - ********* BOY! WAIT TILL WE GET INTERNET AT ERMHA!! *********************** Franke Newsletter & Redfield! and sites!!! Added to "SESSIONAL.DOC" - then again even that is not entirely accurate picture of where-I-am-at ... Just your average Internet session - emails to kristie, Bernard (as Dijana), Chopra Forum, Arthur Stace, "Is atheism logical" etc etc ... Karly loved card & stickers & scratchies Then Di rings! Vision was exactly what she was looking for! For words for a special card for someone - I said "There is no such thing as a co-incidence, mate" ... back to FLYING ... made me promise to go to Carols next year ... Then redfield stuff and immortality sites ... links ... Sally Redfield & mediataion books & CD and create your own joy ... his site links to ... Twyman, CWG, Emissary, Marianne, Chopra ... Book reviews - Bob Monroe - just "at random" - page 18, 68, 74, 301, blurbs, sleeves, ... Di & Dijana - it is only Dec 23!!! ... mate it is one of those TOTALLY inspired and inspiring books - IF READY FOR IT ... Still aint shown Dijana - full Tesla (or book), IROOTNOT!, The dreamtime, Moen etc etc and Di has seen even less ... oh well ... in a sense it is ALL THE SAME MESSAGE - to awaken to our true nature! I am RIGHT BACK! - ESP after Roma Downey in a christmas movie - and not in a sexual way at all! Plus "Highway to heaven version of "A Christmas Carol" - the sort of stuff I would once have described as nauseating! I got right into it - well THIS is my first Christmas as a believer! ... It wasn't all smooth sailing by any means! ... Steve - Spice Girls & Northern Star lyrics & feel like a sheep if shop like everyone else & TR+UE spirit of Christmas would be to give it to the much less well off! ... plus husbands never have to buy a present ... plus when rushed you can't think straight plus crowds ... Pete's email & kids - [email protected] Classic photo of Rose & plot of Matrix ... Rose loves the "Furby" I gave her - meetings!!?? Plus paper planes & Furby story & poem & Karly & Frisbee & Steve & rallies & lobs & Furbys love to swim and take them to the shops and they will walk home on their own plus feed and rub their back ... Yet! noise! - even if it is the noise of fun ... I am so attuned to the silence! and quiet mind ... plus Cooke and yelling and arguments ... Next morning on very little sleep - dream! - Peter and trying to explain the DNA odds! and why I believe ... and frustration ... yet DEEP down they do know and they will AWAKEN one day ... so what's the worry? ... Dave? on helping? - even with the best of intentions you may not know the best way to help and anyway, you have to believe that everyone has the inner resources to heal themselves. The BIG question is how to get in touch with those resources ... our way of living is so disconnected ... Cosmos for John Bingham ... could VISIT! - yet half an hour earlier I was again considering a complete break! Pots & Spring Onions & Mahjong & Walking with Dinosaurs ... plus articles on Christianity - Chris McGillion & Gary Heard Try to explain/convey to brothers/sisters => when you REALLY tune into the silence it BLOWS your mind! and becomes an obsession/addiction ... until you are ready for it, you'd think how boring or pointless. Di? - Even when I was an atheist, I'd read the claim that a PART of us SIMPLY cannot be satisfied other than by a relationhip with God. I thought, well I am stuffed! I can never accept God's explanation - what can he possibly SAY to all the VICTIMS! Then I read through the "Highlights of the Century" liftout - what has made news - Holocaust, Hiroshima, Poverty, Bushfires, Bradman, Phar Lap, Ghandi & other assassinations, Mao, JFK, Mandela, Martin Luther, Korean, Vietnam, Cyclones, Whitlam, Hilary, Space Age, murder, Tianenmen Square, serial killers, Chernobyl, Berlin Wall, Titanic, - so not dominated by GOOD News! ... Yeah JFK - his brother's eulogy! - get full text - saw wrong and tried to right it, saw suffering and tried to heal it, saw war and tried to stop it ... some men see things as they are ... I dreamed things that never were ... Di mentioned JFK at our Christmas lunch - she has read a lot about him - he's quoted in the front of Emma Pierce book ... Oh yeah, before I left for Flinders Christmas - (Cat in the Hat and bookrack, Blopens, cheapy "furby") ... before pickup - mate! one article says don't rehearse - "I think the reasons people are happy or sad are a little more involved than that." (and yet in a SENSE that is wrong!?) ... we're ALL on this planet to manifest our true nature (specify) - and at this stage, very few of us are anywhere near it! Those who are manifesting would be full of GENUINE compassion ... Then waiting for Steve - re-read a bit of Schaef - mate! like all INSPIRED stuff - Yet quite bitter-sweet as it crystallises how disconnected our way of life is in the West ... See tasha plan - what to send and how to summarise the journey of the last 15 years .... I suppose it is a different angle! (CWG is compiling stories of "divine interventions" BUT not focusing on the psychos) ... but already I have found SO MANY tales in boooks & websites of NDE, OOBE, spontaneous unexpected experiences & encounters ... so it's not like I'd really be saying anything "new" or "remarkable" ... but if it can help inspire someone to a different perspective, just as certain things/stories/ideas have helped me evolve ... ERMHA resumes ... as if nothing ever happened - Di & Dijana ... and CWG! & tasha & ....HEAPS did NOT go in Journal - see red notebk - * The CWG section should be sep file?? * The Di 2000 (at present just 11.1.2000) and * other bits of "Jan 2000" then again!!! ****** CWG - she like me feels it is heaps to truly ABSORB just Volume I - her friends have raced ahead! and she now feels pressured to keep up! I said "Let every soul walk its path" ... absolutely HEAPS the first day back for 2000 !!!! ... And I WILL type it up I promise! Ho boy! did we say heaps!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Try the first "consumer participation day" - pages upon pages to type up! Let alone Anne's article for New Paradigm & the ERMHA murmur ... **** In fact, I'm back into the "week seems like eternity" type of thing! 25 pages in Red notebk (most of which aint been copied into Lounge Exercise Book!) since Sunday! boy! and even MORE in HEALING.HTM & Journal ... argh ... Here goes - ah yeah! That Flinders trip alone was huge! Feng Shui alone! I never realised HOW much was involved in it - house number, environment, year of birth, - your working & living surroundings influence your mood! - quite a claim for the book being a guide to "Harmony, health, wealth & happiness" & forecast your future etc etc ... MIRRORS & CHIMES & Street name & shape of block & location & room design & Five elements - wood-fire-earth-water-metal ... Points of compass for bed etc ... 1958 & male - NW is best for me ... yet North east for eldest son? ... stairs ... halls ... trees ... doors ... colour schem of walls ... boy! ... Then all the stuff for cwg group - IF I ever go ... separate file - if I ever read this! - was a timely reminder! Like Di, I had put the book on the "shelf" and returned with renewed awe ... it blows you away! Star Trek - android & "emotion chip" & understanding concepts of FUN & HUMOUR & "getting into the spirit of things" Heaps more random "revelations" - anger means something to resolve - INSIDE yourself ... perspectives & opinions & beings & 374 at mahjong! & Mum's complaints & non-judgement as the first step on the path to uncondiditional love & "Sometimes, the only honest answer is I don't know" but that is rarely seen as an acceptable answer ... Names - Elsie & Wendy! and me & work - it's ON & OFF. Plus drug problem & materialism & TM & create our own bliss is FAR better but if people never learn they turn elsewhere! ... Plus Carol's replies at Forum regards questioning ... Eternity in a Moment ... Panoramas for sarah etc. Now!!! Di rings & she is ALL excited! something to do with CWG & how it has absolutely TAKEN OFF amongst her circle! - all from the Christmas presents ... and I already have 4 million things to tell her ... I put Ghost in the Machine onto the end of dalai/Chopra tape... "Everyone is beautiful - if you look at them the right way" Admittedly is IS a LOT easier with some people as their spirit shines through - Dalai, Chopra, Dijana ... NOW! to 11.1.2000 - Di - * CWG is best thing i have ever done for her - the people around her have already devoured it and got II & III since christmas! and now SHE feels like she is "lagging behind" - I said to remind them not to force anything - "Allow each soul to walk its path" ... at its pace - Tasha & Nexus blew her away! (ties in with Emma & MY views of the psychiatric 'system") ... "someone should do a comedy series about what goes on at ERMHA - Sasha read my mind! ... * Plus what is in II & III plus Celestine & eye contact & unconditional love & poeple you might not take notice of at first & MY history & somehow I just KNEW! & Larundel horror & details & involuntary & Haloperidol & how am I going to get outta this! * Yeah! How scientific can psychiatry be if 5 different diagnoses ... plus the TRAINING of workers plus what IS a delusion plus Heaven & hell & the way religion has traditionally been taught * Plus getting past the stage of WOW! This stuff is amazing! Nobody has EVER put it like that! * Plus gave her dalai tape plus Jo's poem plus Ricketts (SEND my poem!) plus heaps & heaps! * CWG & completely new concept of prayer - gratitude in advance! - I used to say why bother! From the looks of the world he doesn't answer too many! * DID she say 60 copies!!!!??? by ripple effect (as I type it is a lot like My Ideal day Program and its ripples!) ... My Mum? and her circle!! Steve and I know where he is at! he would laugh right in your face! - Yet, he needs it most! Plus 1983 anger! because I KNEW I was right and nobody would believe me. officially i was just delusional "Here Geoff, take some more pills!" * Over new years her conversations were long and intense and draining - she had to take breaks! They are now RIGHT into it and WHAT can be done in Aust. plus looking at US seminars ... * Plus how CWG draws you in and she feeeels as I do that it IS God talking to her personally! - INSPIRED - plus series of events that led to ERMHA & CRS & Internet & even purchasing the book .... * PLus I don't get paid to worry. Plus ten years as a hermit & parents owning home or i would have cut it off completely ... it HAS been some trip to THIS point! * Plus what MUST it have been like for Neale! * Yeah! The frustration and anger cos nobody believes me and nobody can truly relate to this AT ALL! * PLus leaflet "What is Scizophrenia?" - depends who you ask! ... heaps! ... it's like I NEVER took a break! ... I'm writing a book called "Conversations with Dianne" ... * GLAD to help. Same day! re-read the only two love letters I have ever received! in a romantic sense! but the ones from the kids are in a sense more PURE love - and photos are in rucksack! Plus Guru at the market! - palm read & discover your talents & direction in life & psychological structure & qualities & luckiets numbers & Natural Healing ... Plus "Living Now" and stories - tumour as a gift! - Feb 29 online in Aust! Plus Chopra & 750 words - include poem? - I got a wonderful euphoric feeling from the realisation that the most radiant soul, the most enlightened being on this planet could be in disguise as a psych patient. I resolved to notice everybody - to see God in everybody. I began to see the people around me as souls and I felt a sublime effortless connection with them all. People seemed drawn to me as if by magnetism ... Just brief intro about 15 years of schizo & atheist & I thought I was the VERY last person on this planet ... I began to see beauty i places i had never even bothered looking before. I could get very accustomed to this - feeling wonderful for "no reason at all" - 11 months since has seen ups & downs but I can never revert to the way i used to view myself and the world around me. Di - yeah, 10 years (or even 12 months) ago if you OFFERED me what I have NOW - regular euphoria & no DARK side & the price involved was relative poverty but okay, isolation and everyone thinking I am crazy I'd have said YES! I will take that! Plus Dijana saying I look like the Cheshire cat ... loooony! how often do we have to say GESTALT!!!! Plus we should celebrate Ricketts anniversary! It was deflating to return! for both of us! It was THAT group on THAT day! Magic! dare I say gestalt! Plus send poem to Sanctuary! Di - yeah! I should write a book! - Larundel alone! [She said I should speak at seminars as their TRAINING does not PREPARE them for this possibility] - Tasha's book!! Still Di! - Yeah, Emma & her struggle and I have BEEN there! at times such a consuming struggle it is very tempting to give up! ... plus my objections were always the actions of others - rape, torture etc - oh PLUS seeing myself and others as victims! Plus "Little doggie barking! What is your little number!" Dijana & Ricketts - could say That's a lesson - you can't LIVE IN THE PAST ... Oh boy Oh boy! could fill volumes sparked by the consumer participation day!!! HOT and zonked by the end of it! - croaky & nervous but did okay - breathed deep when felt like fleeing form "Introduce yourself and your expectations" ... argh! lower case for website address! Heaps i could add to ideal day program - funny that God & love never mentioned once in 6 hours! - Cath & Liz & students & how do we get form here to there! Plus Dijana & Internal disarmament plus Dave & dalai & constant reinforcement & paradigm shift (reminds me of CWG II !!!) ... my pain is your pain ... is NOT just a poetic sentiment! ... plus schizophrenia & "mental Illness" plus labeling experiences & materialistic/scientific approach plus WE KNOW BEST - WE ARE THEXPERTS ... S'hi & spontaneous flow of writing ... plus HORROR STORIES plus change the culture plus me & 1983 & I didn't even know it had a name! or had HAPPENED TO ANYONE ELSE IN HUMAN HISTORY! ... Plus heaps ... people being open or closed to change and training of workers and their optimism/idealism fades after a while as the pressure to adapt to the existing way of doing things (or risk losing their jobs) ... Read Anne's article for New Paradigm ... and a special Murmur? ... Cath is very adamant! to remove someone's liberty & give medication is CRIMINAL! Plus INERTIA of organisations and entrenched attitudes & practices & critical mass & Dijana ... yeah i did BREATHE when I needed to and added one or two touches - 15 years ago when i was diagnosed the concept of consumer participation was something I could never have imagined. I'm here to try to contribute some optimism and maybe an idea or two. Plus OZMAD & Allan Pinches - I should contribute? - Then again!!!!! NO PROGRAMSAND LOUSY SERVICE FORCED ME INWARD!!! ... but MY way is not for everyone! and it is astonishing I survived what i did! Plus Ian is "after" me for Performer's Club - not to be so shy ... someone said my vision is coming true poets are in demand! - I have forgotten most of what I wrote! The whole world needs healing - you can't expect to heal part without healing the whole. Yet, motive to "impress" or appear "clever" or brilliant does take over ... rather than INSPIRE/HELP/SHARE Cath keeps saying my vision is the blueprint! How do we get there! Photos of Grampians - "Leap of Faith!" Photos onto CD & website!! "It's NOT really my vision. the voices in my head told it to me!" Plus "Healing - at website - for Di & S'hi ... yeah a year ago i woulda said you are on drugs if you'd made such statements - Get Real! LOOOOK at the world! You really think you're going to get from THIS to what you describe! You need help! Good writing (like goood anything) is effortless - it is like channeling (THE life force) ... Catch-22 Was that only yesterday! God! seems a million years ago! ... anyway yes, EVEN if there is a paradigm shift coming - and many would dispute that prospect! - people still have to exist and adapt to the existing paradigm. And adapting to a SICK paradigm tends to FUCK you up! (I have worded this in many different ways in the past ... before I became a believer!) LOOOOOONY! How MANY times do we have to say it - well as with yesterday we spoke of CONSTANT reinforcement & SUPPORT or NOTHING will change! in respect of MHS & how they are run & delivered - Okay, I was a bit TIGHT/CROAKY/DISTANT ... but it has sparked an avalanche of stuff ... .... still a few pages to transcribe but I'm zonked! ... ... an avalanche of stuff - and a poem ... & 100 years ahead of my time & heaps! You just KNOW when you are writing good stufff! ... if people are open & ready to hear it and not dismiss it as "delusional" or loopy. Then! spontaneous email to Allan Pinches - print it? - & his views are similar! about the "system" ... and the Forum ... mate! They all say there is NO COINCIDENCE! ... so! everyone around you! ... and your perspective on psychosis is fairly rare {AS I TYPE! ALLAN SITE!! HE HAS TALKED WITH HUINDREDS - A FEW WHO HAVE RECOVERED FROM SCHIZOPHRENIA - GENERALLY BY THEIR OWN MEANS!!!} ... And what you write is TRUE _ we are ALL sick - and true healing (see HEALING.HTM!) aint gonna happen from pills and hospitals! ... Let's be daring - Geoff!!!! If you is going to say it you had better LIVE it! or be seen as a hypocrite or a foolish dreamer ... YET ... the reality is I am OFTEN lost for words in discussions and get nervy and distant and ... Why can we IMAGINE things being a quantum leap better if we cannot get there ... * Dijana & name tags & labels Grampians story! - That's me! - jump the other way too! - would I do it now! "For all I know, the entire world could be a figment of my imagination. That IS a possibility. You'd think i could imagine something more interesting though ..." Cath - thoughts ARE actions! if change the way enough people think you can change the world. BOY!!!!! I read Allan's stuff! on SPIRITUALITY ! I get all HOT & PANICKY! and I think oh SHIT! I have lost the plot and got caught in the traps he mentions! & I need a teacher! OTOH, CWG does say to TRUST yourself & you need no external teacher?? Hmmm - get full copy! But I do have a LONG, LONG way to go to achieve balance. - Acacia was Satori!!! And you read his article on the qualities a Mental health Support worker needs and you think Christ waht an impossible job Di has! Seeing the results of entire spectrum of human crises and an alienating barren society!! It does require some incredible personal qualities! Forum also - discussion on DOING & SERVING! * He does say some people can get trapped for years between worlds! & the real world seems unspeakably horrible compared with their delusions! * But he also says the world needs it dreamers, poets & seers of visions Plus the parallels!!!! he has recovered from schizophrenia & has been regarded as "mad" by family who cannot begin to comprehend it & describes himself as a human being who cares TOO much about what we are doing to ourselves & each other & this planet. Some brilliant writing! He's had similar ups and downs and "peak" experiences! Hmmm .... Same day! (resurge after sapping heat!) Gulliver! The travels and being lost at sea - online journal has moore. Struth! more consumer pages!!!! & stories & Jim Morrison quote & lyrics of "Affirmation" for dijana & site! & Lily sends her picture! Plus! "Oh, God" movie! about working through the kids and more in online journal ... then poem while mowing the lawn. "Oh, I can agree and disagree with everyone at the SAME time. This is because I inhabit several realities at ONCE." Dream! a politician wants to take Haloperidol to check out the side-effects for himself - i say "This stuff can really fuck with your mind then i point out all the gaps in psychiatrists picture of reality/psychosis/human nature ... yeah! Di and workers get trained in the "official position" then along I come and with Emma & Tasha & Allan & Nexus oh plus my OWN tales! and that does rather introduce the element of doubt! Dijana too ... Idea - movie about my experiences and the "system" - include Di - why not !!!!! Stan Zemanek - in diary 17.1.2000 Then!!!! Oprah! rarely watch! Caroline Myss! wow! blew me away - show Di !!!! wow!!!! wounds, forgiveness, the way she just tunes right into people and pinpoints the trauma or life/situation that's making them ill! wow!!! "Why people don't heal and how they can"!!! Too much! coming what 4 days after what I wrote! ] Dave & Goals - "That's easy to say but when you have lived 16 years where your ONLY goal has been to get through the day without going COMPLETELY crazy .... God! di - should transcribe red notebk from 18.1.2000 - they continue to be huge!! - * The events & people of the consumer day! * CWG 2 off library! and sections * 3 new poems * Myss & article & Allan * So I DID give her some homework! * Return to book for 5 mins for a recharge! * Heaps - I should do a BOOK - it would BLOW some people away to know WHERE I have been and where I am NOW ... ... well loony MAKE it a priority ... * I'm still having experiences psychiatrists would label as "psychotic. I don't label them. To do so would only distort them. * Revisit DARK side - to retain empathy? - instead of blissing out ... because as I said I HAVE been in places where you wanna KILL the happy people! * Plus Mum & dave birth! & speak underwater with a mouthful of marbles - we have to get them together! * My onset & uni & never had to turn to anyone - and in a sense IF the amswers aren't within me ... * Plus image of Christ & education of children plus heaps ... plus has my praying changed? Um, Dianne, I used to be an atheist! They don't generally pray! ... plus saying no kids and reason was that world is so FUCKED UP I would not inflict it on them! ... plus at times fascination kept me goin! - HOW does anyone stay sane at all! That was origin of "it's all an illusion" ... "Wow, I'm awake! NOW what!?" ... Plus Equus - next time - video or Internet? Plus Alchemist site Plus heaps - mate ... "Writing is dead easy - i simply empty my mind and the thoughts POP into it." PLus "I'm stilll having experiences which psychiatrists no doubt would label as psychotic. I dont label them. To do so would only distort them." Gimmmmmmme a break! the second planning day and my JOURNAL entries alone! LET alone the mountain of STUFFFFF Dave expects to be typed up for a special "ERMHA Murmur" ... let alone the planning for the website?? He is pushing me to my limit ... or is he Anyway! Celeste! and art! and poetry and spirituality and guides & S'hi doing some work unpaid? on touch and healing? ... Wayne ... heeeeeeaps .... and Sue - she has Christine's eyes LITERALLLLLLY!!!! Hmm ... Plus Dijana & poetry & her DARK stuff & obsessive cleaning! see my sheeets and notes ... God ... I'll type up more later ... I will .... Oh boy! what has happened in (is it only 7 days! as awlays seems like a million lifetimes!!!!!!!!) Who is writing this script! It is WAY WAY starnger than anything fictional you could dream up! RIGHT back deeeep into the DARK side! Then resurface then down again - like DROWNING - now Yo-Yo extremes like the BAD old days! now right back! (for the moment) ... One thing it DOES do is spark heaps of output! A lot of it NOT fit for public consumption - both in terms of the PSYCHOTIC anger and the radical picture I paint of psychosis & Mental Health System & psychiatry & society at large!!! Heaps - see Red - should put bits in here & journal & REFLECT.HTM - the DAY dave actually PRINTS my true views is the day I'll know this is all some bizare dream I'm having!!! Yeah, it's been SOME ride! Just 24 hrs ago deeeeep in the dark and Dave raises sessional & for ONCE I say I'm probably NOT interested as I've just had 2 shocking days & I don't know what I need & It's nothing I haven't been thru 100 times ... but I'm getting blooody sick of it! Plus I have dozens of tapes - WITH MAJOR PSYCHOTIC EPISODES ... "Sorry, Dave. I try to focus on such mundane matters and my brain just goes to sleep!" Plus Wayne back in! Plus Gilbert ... plus did a sheet at Suzanne St - word mosaics for SCHIZOPHRENIA COMMUNITY ERMHA UNCONDITIONAL-LOVE-HEALING & TIME DISTORTS REALITY & BIOLOGY ... UNFOLDS ... SPONTANEOUS WRITING ... Plus Pi in the SKY & Tadman. Yeah, my views are as valid as any! There is SO much we do not understand & schozophrenia is sure up there with the biggest mysteries of them all ... Plus Ans Westra & this photo project ... See journal 1-2-2000 Di was huge - will enter later - oops, slip of the tongue - oops ... Then John!!!! he is a classic - he was responsible - esp in absence of Dijana! for the galaxy of topics covered! He is a classsic! - he says i make his day and I really stimulate him! and he's still singing Chris rea songs Oh yeah Di - seems a LONG time ago! - as ALWAYS! croaky & never got to all my list at all - and was all over the place - * Psychotic ecstasy (and agony!) and THAT is why i've written for 15 years! to attempt to convey "what it is like" to those who haven't experienced it. PLUS the lengths i was prepared to go to get more of it! It is completely intoxicating & addictive & I still say it closely resembles many kinds of religious ecstatsy! * Equus - get it! explained plot & psychiatrists DOUBTS & JEALOUSY of the psychotic ecstasy & Richard Burton is mesmerising * Plus Pray - forgot Video! - plus Affirmation * Plus my catatonic states & ignoring people & what would I do - I'd see it as a huge challenge to get a response - tickle! or embrace? - cos you are rather vulnerable if not responding at all! * Plus I will stick things in her pigeon hole! * Yeah JUST what dave needs! to be my KEY worker! I'll tip him over the edge! AND WHAT will he make of my file!!! * Flip flops! - why change the system - it has forced me to WORK it out MY way! (and if CWG - everyone involved CHOSE their particular aspect of the situation - that is what is STILL bending my mind! Esp when SO many have chosen seemingly TOXIC paths!!!!??? * Sunday Sun article - word mosaic - article on Mental health & psychiatrists - poems - Leunig etc * New Paradigm?? - I said I was quite seriously considering telling Dave that if he won't publish my latest views then i will walk out the door (at least insofar as being editor!) * Why am I with these people - family - our way of seeing is now as FAR apart as ever - and it is REAL tough NOT to be judgemental! * Choice? and where does that leave compassion???? * Card for Mum! and plans for dave? (found a feather in park & Dalai stuff) * Sessional? - even on a GOOD day I'd feel disinclined to come back down-to-earth ... hmmm ... * Something holdin me back?? * I still tell people what (I think) they want to hear. * Then again! Why worry! According to God we can't really get it "wrong". It only seems that way to us. * Her difficult position and she is not allowed to officially "encourage" my views or plans to re-enter Acacia if I feel I'm being "called back" in - that's a rather novel interpretation of a relapse! THAT alone would most likely get you in! Plus Peter Waters & search engines & dave's plans for me but I had a BAD week - plans are all well and good when you are well. On a bad day, they fly out the window. Plus speed of computers & search engines & web Plus helping Gail & Phil & Michael ... so it was some day!!!!!! * Tell John to get a library card! - gribbin - Davies - Unweaving - Chaos - etc etc ... and pictures! Dave - oh that will be interesting clash! if he becomes my key worker! - "Who's to say this isn't THE VERY BEST WAY for me to get there. (Out of the infinite number available) May not work for everyone or even anyone else - I do tend to get evangelical at times. i have to watch that. Oh boy!!!!!!!!!!! what is goin on - a TORRRRRRENT sparked by Shark Fin & Forum & Di & now research project! AM I completely insane! Gerda is as HOT as anyone I've ever met and she asks if I have ANY interest in dating and the opposite sex ... oh well ... I am slightly busy being crazy - if that is what i am actually doing STAX !!!!! stax even without recording gerda ... send email! my poetry! ... I do have a very rare perspective! ... Yet that is getting us back to aren't I clever/amazing/brilliant ??? Hmmm ... Owen & we're just more sensitive - to EVERYTHING! YOU do sound crazy when start to explain CWG to someone else! - * No right & wrong * No accidents * Every situation is choice * God's wishes or purpose Yes, the categories - never lonely but socially isolated! Plus some of what it felt like in Acacia - Ah! that is how to describe it - It was as if there was no longer "me" and "everything else". I felt connected to every living creature. It is called Unity Consciousnees and if you're not ready for the experience it can literally drive you crazy! Plus my favourite - that which WE label as "psychotic" would be seen as a religious or sacred experience in a more connected culture! Di - huge - may be one of last sessions!!!!???? * Kids photos - they are gorgeous! - has been a huge incentive - nothing happens by accident * Steve & Melon & Carngie & his anger & where I was at! * Heaps for once i didn't write down ... Dave & where to go & good days/bad days ... * Bliss out & jealousy * The Game * Mum & Dad & the kids have enriched their lives - which is WHY Mum is so torn - what s this doing to the kids and seeing victims - maybe she DOES need CWG - or The Game! ... * Yes, divorce & "not in our family" * Gave her tape! That should blow her mind! * yes - kids and barriers! Give her Gibran! Never heard of it! So! once again an interesting day!!!!! And tomorrow could be Dijana & Cath & Newlsetter & a PILE of stuff to show them!! Who has time for such considerations as work! Oh, plus John!!! and we have a lot in common - yes, we're both human beings - and so is howard! I'm far too busy being crazy .... it's atough job but someoene has to do it! ************* Type up meditation balls practice and history!! *********************